Last week, David and I announced the dissolution of our marriage. As we navigate the waters of our own uncoupling, I wanted to speak deeper into the idea of “conscious uncoupling” and what it means to me, offering up my process, in the hopes that it may help guide some of you — who may now or in the future be in similar waters with an important relationship in your life.
Here is our announcement:
When we form a relationship, whether it be a friendship, a business relationship or marriage, it may be for the rest of our lives, it may be for a mission, a purpose, or a reason that spans a certain amount of time. It always is important to remember that what was formed in love can be transitioned in love as well.
When David and I got together as a couple after knowing each other for about five years prior, we both thought it was going to be forever. I changed my name to his and whole-heartedly dove into our togetherness. David is a wonderful and brilliant human being and we both stood by each others’ side, fought in each other’s corner, and co-created a full and thriving life together. The fact that he is a prominent public figure with lots of eyes on him, lots of love, jealousy, and intrigue and that he is calling out the most evil forces on earth, made for an interesting journey to say the least.
Recently though, our paths called for both of us to commit even deeper to our respective Holy Causes. My path called me deeper into devotion to my Temple and temple life and his is asking him to go even deeper into his path as a spiritual warrior devoted to the causes he believes in. I continue to cheer him on and support his work, and will always be grateful for his love, laughter, and all the energy he put into me and us.
As our paths took different turns, my desire was to uncouple in the most harmonious, graceful way possible and this is what I call Conscious Uncoupling. While we cannot control how someone else decides to navigate, we can control how we intend and try to go through something. The hope of course, is that both or all parties choose to navigate in the most compassionate and graceful way possible with all the pieces involved.
My definition of “conscious uncoupling” is the intent and action to transition a relationship in the most balanced, harmonious way possible while honoring the individuals involved, and devoting the transition to the highest and best for all. This will look different in each relationship since they are formed by unique individuals.
Transitioning the form of a relationship can be messy and painful if not done with care. When we hold the hearts of our self and the other with compassion and prayer, transitioning a relationship you have cared for deeply can be done in the most conscious way we can.
Breaking up is never easy. No two ways about it. When a relationship ends, it is a form of death. And death and all that surrounds it is arguably the most feared energy on the planet. When a relationship ends or changes form, the death energy can bring out the worst in people. Edit: (I wish to note here that a lovely reader wrote in about the word ‘death’ and reminded me to note that it is a transition to a higher dimension and reminded me that great things shall come.) So yes, let us re-define the word death as well to take out the fear of our deepest transitions and changes into the unknown.
This is often when the fighting begins. Most people would rather feel anger than death. With anger, there is energy, whereas death can leave one feeling empty, lost, and alone. I believe it is the discomfort with the energy of death that drives most couples to transition their relationship in a harsh way, with breakups that get messy, painful, and hurtful.
STAGES OF CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING:
There are a few aspects to uncoupling in the most conscious way we can. A few stages of conscious uncoupling are:
- Coming to the decision to uncouple
- Communicating with your partner
- Communicating with your family and friends
- Individuating, or undoing the life you wound together
The first stage of conscious uncoupling is knowing what is in your heart. If there is an uncoupling, there is a reason, and that reason lives deep inside of you and this is where we must go to hear it.
There is a saying: “Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.” It is important to feel the pain in the heart, yet feeling that pain does not mean you have to suffer. When my heart hurts, I turn my awareness toward it. I look at my heart with my internal eye and ask, “what’s up?” I sincerely want to know what my heart feels. I turn toward my heart like I would a small child — with tenderness and interest — as indeed, it is my inner child and and I want to hear her so that I can care for her.
CREATE CEREMONIAL SPACE TO HEAR YOUR HEART:
When I do this kind of inner work, I do it in ceremonial space. I go to my sacred space and sit in front of my altar. I light my candle, take a few deep breaths, smudge myself and offer a prayer. I call in the Divine, the angels and my guides and I ask them to help us do this in the most graceful, harmonious way for the highest and best interest of all involved.
You do not have to know how all this will happen when you ask Spirit for help, just put your faith in the Higher Power and trust that you will be guided. This way, I know that I am attended by the highest guidance possible and I am doing the best I can.
JOURNAL YOUR FEELINGS:
In this ceremonial space, is a good time to tune into your heart and write down what she says. I simply turn my internal awareness toward her and listen to how she feels.
She may say that she is afraid. She may be afraid of the unknown, afraid of being left alone or abandoned, afraid of what others may say. She may be afraid of hurting others, hurting her partner, and herself. All of these fears are valid and I embrace them with the part of me that is the compassionate mother. I listen to them. I feel them dancing in my heart without needing to fix or change anything.
All these feelings in your heart are valid and I like to write them down, so I bring them into MY conscious awareness — bring them to light.
After I invite my heart to express her fears, I ask her if there is anything else. Then I just listen. She may say that she is angry. She may share the reasons she was unhappy, hurt or frustrated; the reasons she could not go on. These are the reasons that she is choosing to uncouple. Again I listen without censorship or judgment and I write them down. The heart feels what it feels. When I write, I do not edit or censor what the heart truly feels, I just want to know.
“I am angry that…” “It frustrated me that….” “I closed down because of…” These are such important things to know about yourself and your heart, because this is the real you. These are the delicate petals of your heart’s flower and tell us so much about how we need to be handled and cared for.
Then I ask again: “Is there anything else?” She may express her hopes and dreams to me. This can come with some sadness if these hopes and dreams are in the realm of the future, not happened yet, and this will be your heart’s desires. It is good to know them, for that is at the core of who you are and what you do. I write them down as well:
After I hear her desires, I keep asking my heart if there is more until the writing stops.
You may ask your heart, what it needs and desires from this uncoupling, with the intention of all being fair, equitable and harmonious. Write this down.
Is there any help or assistance you wish to receive? You may want to consult wise counsel, like a professional mediator, a wise friend for their counsel on how to navigate this in the best way possible.
Then I pray. I pray for the most graceful, smooth, harmonious transition possible. I pray for the protection of the other soul. I pray for all good things to come of this and for the highest and best interest of all involved to be the outcome. You do not have to see or know what this is. This is a prayer to Spirit. Then I let it go. I trust in the greater plan that Spirit has for each one of us and I do the best I can to navigate the transition through this passage of waters.
I ask Spirit for any guidance for this journey right now, then I listen and take to heart what I hear. For me, I get clear guidance on the next steps. I feel into the most harmonious way to do them. Most of these messages are private. I take them to heart and I abide by them as best I can.
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PARTNER:
When it comes time to communicate with your partner, this is a crucial time to be the most centered and grounded that you can be. Despite any other emotions that may be in there, like anger, sadness, blame, etc. it is important to communicate when you feel strong, clear and loving. It may be best to write down what you wish to communicate and craft your words so that they are loving and positive.
I have a saying that I use when teaching about communication: “Anything that can be said can be said with love.” This is true, yet may take a bit of forethought and planning. I think before I make important communications and take my time to write something that delivers the truth of the situation in the most positive and loving way I can think of at the time. Again, we cannot control how another person takes the words we say, but we can control what we say and how we say it. When communicating during conscious uncoupling, it is best to take care, contemplate what you wish to say in prayer, thinking of how you can honor the dignity of your partner and care for their heart as best you can while communicating clearly and concisely what you need to at this time
COMMUNICATING WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY:
For many, there will need to be an announcement of some kind. Being that David has been a public figure for quite some time and that the public knew us a a married couple for the past four years, we needed to let the public know of our decision to dissolve our marriage so that they could be a part of the journey and not surprised when I change my name or when David and I are no longer seen together. I wanted it to be short and sweet and I wanted it to show the respect and love that we still have for each other.
The truth of the matter is that David and I deeply respect each other. We have known each other for almost ten years now and have been present for each other’s journey in various ways for all this time. We have been acquaintances, friends, lovers, husband and wife, champions of each other and now, we continue on in just another form. I am deeply grateful for the time we have shared.
I am grateful for the undying positive strength that David has shown towards me, my journey, my difficulties, my challenges. He is a good man and I know a side of him that few will ever know. I know the hard working part of him, I know his heart and his dedication. I know how he is often misunderstood and how he perseveres in his mission despite this. It is my hope that we will always be kind friends and always be in each other’s corner, cheering each other on.
REPEAT THE PROCESS:
This process that I shared here can be done multiple times during the uncoupling process. Doing this in your quiet and sacred time will bring awareness, Spirit and your highest consciousness to your transition and ensure that you are navigating the best way you possibly can.
The important thing is that you are trying your best, putting your best intention into it, having your partner’s best interest in mind and putting the power of prayer into it. And remember — you cannot control what someone else says and does, but you can always choose to walk as graceful as you possibly can through these passages.
Thank you for your kind heart and support.